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| I'm Calling This Art |
Over the past few months I've been toying with the idea of a mental health and the arts piece. I have so much to say on the subject, it will be awhile until I collect my thoughts to do justice to the complex topic. When my brain is formulating a piece in the shower, before I go to bed, during bike rides and workouts, that tells me it's time to get the thoughts down on paper. Until that time, I’ll mention here the arts have been instrumental in getting our family through the pandemic. I’d like to briefly highlight how they've been a form of therapy/bonding for our family, and also list some fave podcasts, tv shows, and movies we've gotten into during the past year. The arts are in no way a replacement for speaking with a trained therapist, but in tandem are often an essential part of the therapeutic process. Brief with me is relative so...
Theater Before the World Shut Down
If you got here through my post, the first video I posted on IG is meaningful in so many ways. As someone who loves acting and musical theater, yet also struggles with social anxiety, the fact I said hello to one of my favorite artists, Jonathan Groff, at the stage door of "Little Shop" last year was a marvel of the non-cinematic variety. To understand what a feat it was for me, it is often an internal struggle for me to start conversations or text people I know personally. I'm so afraid I'll come off as needy, I'll formulate texts and conversations in my head, fail to initiate them, then beat myself up for not having/sending them. On the flip side I never leave a personal email, text, PM, or phone call unresponded to. No, I don't respond to random spam :) But I do die a bit inside if I have more than 2 notifications at a time, and I've learned some people have 80,000 or more. Gasp! I get extremely embarrassed if I fangirl over anyone/anything. Put that and my trouble initiating conversation together and the fact this video exists is a small miracle. As an introvert, I wholly understand the fact the artist suggested making this video when he has his own life and could have simply headed home, was beyond special.
Aside from seeing my son's production of "Oliver!" 3 times last February, "Little Shop of Horrors" in NYC was the last piece of live theater I saw pre-pandemic. The cult classic movie is also the first movie I saw with Steven, the husband, 6 years before we started dating. Needless to say "Little Shop" in all its artforms has a special place in my heart. I find it hilarious that my goal as trumpet section leader in that viewing was for our trumpet section to better gel as a group outside of band. Not sure anyone could call eating UNC basketball cupcakes and watching "Little Shop" with six teenage boys a date. How I got any of them to agree to my movie choice is beyond me. It didn't send Steven packing forever and 2 of the other teenage boys present that day featured in our wedding party. So... I'll take that as a win.
2 weeks before the world shut down, Edmund got to perform the role of Oliver as an understudy. We had family drive in from several hours away, an aunt fly in from NYC, friends and his voice teacher take off from work/school to support him. He did his performance on only one rehearsal of Act 1. The kid blew me away with his emotion in the last part of "Where is Love." What I observe only now looking back is how fortunate we were that this show brought our whole family and several friends together before we knew that gathering would soon be a thing of the past. Edmund's performance was a year ago, yet seems like a lifetime ago. Not simply because of the pandemic, but because of how much he has grown as a young man in that time.
The last video is the second half of the song, “Electricity." This was filmed last year, but Edmund submitted a new version in the fall for his regional thespian festival. He also got to perform it for a distanced porch concert with two Broadway veterans. (They've obviously had to pivot this year so check out their YouTube channel Broadway Bradshaws to support them and for some awesome Disney content). Edmund received superiors across the board in regionals and gets to take his new version of "Electricity" to states (on Zoom). He's grown into the song, but is cautious to release the new version into "the world" just yet in fear of jinxing it. If you ask him what he's most excited about at states, it's the workshops. This kid loves to learn about every aspect of theater and film, not just the acting part.
When Edmund was learning “Electricity” last year I mentioned it might be helpful to connect with the song by finding what the song meant for him. In the tiniest of nutshells, the song is about a boy who's passion is dancing. Edmund has a few dance moves. However, they are less of the polished ballet and tap variety, and more of the break dance type. Since dancing is not his passion I asked, “when you connect with this song are you thinking about tennis, coding, singing, film making, script writing, acting? What is it for you?” His response was “acting.” Can I say as a person who has been embarrassed to admit my love of acting my whole life I was taken aback he poured out his passion to me.
P.S. His repertoire does include songs not sung in a British accent 😉
Friend and Family Support
Recently I called my mom to ask if she could babysit my girls (her first time to do so in a year now that she is fully vaccinated). Edmund was selected for a role in an indie film and I wanted to be able to be fully present for him on set. On that call, my mom mentioned to me her wish she'd recognized sooner how much I loved acting and singing. She expressed her desire to have taken more steps to support me as she shared how much it meant to her to watch me supporting Edmund in his passion. The truth is there was no way for my mom to know. I hid it from nearly everyone, and still do to this day (minus this post and a few others where I have briefly let the cat out of the bag).
However my mom remembers it, I can say with confidence she was there to support me in anything I attempted. Even those God awful early days of trumpet playing. I remember when I got the role of Cinderella she put a sign on her classroom door stating "Cinderella's mom works here." I do wish I had the guts to pursue acting more than I did. But at the same time, I've been incredibly fortunate to work with preschool and elementary aged kids through teaching and volunteerism as they pursue their passions in theater and music. Even if these kids simply develop a love and joy for music, that's really all that matters. Seeing them succeed brings such joy.
Funny story about the above phone call. I remembered this conversation taking place in my laundry room. Then I was like "what the heck was I doing with my mom in an enclosed space during a pandemic?" Turns out I was hiding in there for a break from my very chatty girls. Moms need a break any way they can get these days, so I was taking mine. I must have felt like my mom was physically present because the conversation was marked with so much meaning.
Going back to "Cinderella." It was such a treat to be able to watch the Brandy version with my kids on Disney+ for movie night a few weeks ago. It brought back memories of my own time in the Rodger's and Hammerstein version. "Cinderella" was my first leading role, and for a socially anxious girl, made me realize I could do hard things. I mistakenly remembered this movie coming out the year our school performed it, but Edmund checked the ever handy IMDB and discovered it was a year before. I remember several black friends in the cast talking about how much the Brandy version of Cinderella meant to them. At the time I was 18. I listened to their words, but not sure I really "heard."
When watching "Cinderella" with my kids 22 years later, I finally "heard." I may not have been capable of hearing initially, but their words still made enough of an impression to stick with me all these years. This gave me the perfect opportunity to bring up with my kids how so many people of color were cast in roles they often wouldn't have been considered for. I asked my kids if they could understand why this was such a big deal to my friends at the time, even now. I hope the depth of the conversation registered with my kids on some level. Even if they don't quite get it now, hopefully they'll be able to pull the conversation out down the road to think, reflect, and be part of change.
I am so fortunate to count the people of the cast of "Cinderella" as friends today. We don't live near each other, but we keep up through social media, email, and PMs. There is something about creating art together that connects people for life. That and the fact the friends mentioned above, taught a very reserved girl how to "ride the pony" and "booty dance" backstage. Friendships get solidified after stuff like that. Thank God we didn't have cameras on our phones back in those days. Can you say incriminating?
I've been sitting on this a couple of days deciding whether or not to hit publish. And it that time it's clear my mom definitely can't say she didn't/doesn't get it. She totally does. This morning, after writing the above about Cinderella, she sent me an email with the subject "Thinking of You." In it was she said "check out Cinderella with a link to this podcast. https://www.stitcher.com/show/
Arts and Failure: How Both Matter on the Road to Success
Edmund is much like me. He holds his emotions inside until there is nowhere to stuff them. When I picked him up from school the day he learned he’d be “going” to states in March as a 7th grader, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him more excited. Usually he gets in the car and starts reading despite "mom" trying to engage him. It was clear he had something in him he couldn't contain that day. Coming from an arts school getting to go to states is a big deal. Because there are often so many kids at Edmund's school that qualify, and only a certain number from each school can go, his theater teacher often uses scores combined with seniority to make her choice of who to send. His first attempt at adjudicated script writing entitled "Imaginary Friend" also received superior scores this year. Honestly, I think he was more thrilled with the script writing result than the solo result, but he won't be taking script writing to states this year. There is always next year, and hopefully he can experience it in person then.
Edmund is one of the most sensitive kids I know, though he doesn’t often wear it on his sleeve. He is also tough, which is how he succeeds. He has failed a lot in almost every endeavor to get where he is, but the truth is we have to fail to learn how to get back up. I still remember all those failures and how he overcame them. I'm not going to relay them here for his sake, but it helps to have them in my memory to remind him of how he overcame anytime failure starts getting to him. I have to throw this story in here. My mom realized how much I needed the above lesson as a kid. Heck, I still need that lesson. Most kids get taken out to dinner for straight As. It was when I got my first C that my parents took me out to celebrate. They did so to show me that even when we fail, we learn and life goes on. Edmund has embraced the message more easily than I have even when it's tough and brings the tears. As his mom I couldn't be more proud.
A friend of mine recently posted a meme essentially saying, "When this pandemic is over we’ll realize we need more teachers and doctors and less actors, sports stars, etc." One of the most innovative teachers I know commented and said “I’m not so sure about that. Without artists, actors, musicians, and podcasters this year I might have walked into the ocean and not walked out.” As the wife of a a doctor and a teacher in a long line of educators, I totally agree both those professions need a ton more respect, and for teachers, pay. Yet I also agree wholeheartedly with my teacher friend’s comment. I found myself heading toward the ocean in my mind a few times more than I care to admit this past year. Big props to the therapists (we certainly need them too) who are doing so much to support people in this unprecedented time. If nothing else I hope this pandemic paints an absolute need for mental health resources for everyone, regardless of background and financial status.
Art as a Way to Escape, Teach, Laugh, Reflect, and Bond
Podcasts were one of the first art forms (I do call them art) I turned to during the pandemic. I needed them to fall asleep without my mind racing. TV being visual keeps my mind awake, so the auditory and conversation like aspect of podcasts is the perfect mind racing anecdote for me. My favorite radio podcast escape is "Ask Me Another." Science and psychology podcasts are my jam. My podcast list is long, but for a couple of mainstream suggestions I recommend "Armchair Expert with Dax Shephard", "Unlocking Us" with Brene Brown, and my ultimate favorite, "No Stupid Questions" with Stephen Dubner and Angela Duckworth. My 2 big kids enjoy a few podcasts, but they decided their escape early pandemic was TV, and decided to get lost in sci-fi.
Imogen won't be featuring much in this post as her foray into tv and film is limited. She exclusively devotes her time to anything related to The Lion King and Frozen and vows she will never watch anything else. However, she has the best one liners so feel free to check out my Twitter feed for those;)
Both Edmund and Evelyn devoured the entire "Star Trek: Next Generation" series early pandemic. I still didn't have much interest in TV then, other than watching the occasional musical theater interview, often involving Hamilton actors on YouTube. I'm someone who would much rather make art than binge or devour it at once, so while I know so many were binging Netflix I was watching interviews on creative process. Hey it worked for me, and who knew it would be Star Trek that strengthened my kid's sibling bond?
This summer Edmund and I both read "The Hate U Give" so we could discuss before watching the movie. I knew it would be a tough watch, and a tough read, but thought he could better process through the written word first. Both of us agreed the book spoke to us more, so I'm glad we had access to both versions to discuss. While we try to keep discussions of race and privilege ongoing, I'll admit we can get a bit complacent. Events this summer were a reminder that we can't "just forget" because our friends and family of color don't have the option to "just forget."
Edmund and I have enjoyed passing books between us this year. "Ready Player One" was a favorite. We enjoy discussing and then watching and comparing the movie if one exists. He's currently doing that with "Hunger Games", while totally taking advantage of that x-ray feature on Amazon. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it gives facts about the filming process. He also took an online film theory class this year, which is so cool. I didn't start those types of classes until college, so it isn't lost on me what an awesome experience this was for a 12 year old. Watching those movies with him and talking about them has been such a special way for us to bond. We also enjoy watching "The Office" together as he's just now old enough to get the humor. He'll also listen with me if I'm listening to a book on Audible on our drives (usually one of my psychology books) and we'll discuss various talking points. As someone who once thought I would only enjoy being a baby mom, I'm truly loving the stage he's in.
After a pandemic safe visit to Chapel Hill in the early fall, Edmund's birthday twin suggested Edmund watch "Stranger Things". I wasn't sure if Edmund was ready, but this family shares our viewing sensibilities and assured us he could handle it. It is already one of my favorite shows, so I was thrilled to re-watch with Edmund and Steven after not seeing it in a couple of years. We finished the last released episode on Halloween. It was such a joy to revel in the Easter Eggs the Duffer Brothers throw in occasionally about mine, Steven's, and Edmund’s home town. The creaters went to my rival high school and based Hawkins on the place I grew up. This little tidbit has made the show all the more fun to for our family to watch.
My closest neighborhood friend moved out of state mid-pandemic. That was tough, but she recommended a bunch of TV shows and movies, along with books, to check out. Somehow watching and reading her suggestions made me feel closer to her. One of those suggestions was the documentary "My Octopus Teacher." Talk about tugging at the heartstrings. The kids and I jumped from that to the "Dr. Who" season released in 2005 at the suggestion of Edmund's oldest friend. That became their favorite thing to talk about over our zoom game nights, solidifying a friendship Edmund has had since he was an infant.
Recently, for the kids, it’s been all about "WandaVision". Here is where I admit I’ve sat in the theater through all the Marvel movies and can’t tell you what I just watched, much like my reaction to football. Although I actually enjoyed my experience watching the former, I have never been able to say the same about the latter. Even with my lack of Marvel knowledge I’m surprisingly loving our new Friday night routine and show. Thank goodness Edmund can fill me in on what’s up and apparently Evelyn has been helping my mom, her Kay-Kay. Enjoy below the following text my mom sent me about her conversation with Evelyn (8) detailing last week's movie night.
E: So what did you watch for movie night?
K: Wanda Vision
E: We did too, plus Princess Bride.
K: Oh, PB is funny. But I'm confused about WV. Are you?
E: No. What confuses you?
K: Well, for one thing her brother comes back to life in a different form.
E: What episode did you watch?
K: I think we watched 5 and 6.
E: Don't worry. That will all be explained in episodes 7 and 8.
K: ROTFL
Not only are we bonding as a family, but talking about these shows is giving my kids a chance to bond with their grandparents as well.
"The Queen's Gambit" was recommended to me by several friends and Edmund's acting coach. I finally got around to watching it over the holidays. Thank you good friend for letting me know it was not the documentary about chess I believed it to be. Phew! I had planned to watch with Edmund. We have all the talks in this house (drugs, sex, consent, alcoholism, race, how he can use his privilege to effect change in the industry he one day wants to work in, etc) before I thank him for listening to my TedTalks and send him out to ride his bike and be a kid. He loves chess and would have loved the cinematography, but he’s just shy of 13. Those adult themes up close and personal in a visual medium can wait for him for now. For me though, it was a good foray back into watching TV for story telling's sake, and I reveled in the cinematic feel.
January was hard for me mental health wise. I grieved not getting to have real a 40th b-day even though I had/have been using the pandemic as an excuse to retreat into myself away from people. I started to grieve not getting cards or a big sign or even a distanced stop by from a human that wasn't family. Then I beat myself up for grieving something so trivial when others have much more difficult struggles. I know intuitively I have the right to grieve, but sometimes my conscious won't let me. Unfortunately the pandemic has been the perfect recipe to undo all my years of therapy working on my social anxiety. All the things we were asked to do to be safe were/are my defense mechanisms. In fact, not wanting Edmund to retreat into his anxiety is the exact reason we made the difficult decision to send him back to in person school. I'm making an effort this month to re-enter society safely, even if that's simply stopping to talk to a good friend on a bike ride instead of shutting myself off. It helps when said friend passes you and says you look like a teenager in your workout gear, when days before your wonderful children said if they had to guess your age they'd guess 50. Ha!
We are extremely fortunate Edmund is a kid who thrives academically on a distance learning platform. However, he, much like me, needs the arts to feel whole. And the arts are best done with others. Being able to send him first back to his arts classes and then back to full on school was so important for him. He has been so incredibly fortunate to continue with the arts in as safe a way as possible. I can't thank his teachers, acting coaches, directors, enough. They realized how much these kids needed arts for their mental health and put all the appropriate safety precautions in place. He still does some arts classes through Zoom and others he gets to do in person, masked and distanced. He got to perform in "A Charlie Brown's Christmas", gets to do a one act with his theater class, and is currently in rehearsal as the role of Lurch in "The Adams Family Musical." Even though I won't get to see the former 2 roles in person due to Covid protocols, I'm so glad he gets to participate. It is what he and his arts loving peers needed for mental health this year. Unfortunately, there hasn't been much to send me back to... yet. Fingers crossed we're getting there. This is why therapy is a constant in our family this year, even though it’s also been a year to be extraordinarily grateful.
Art as Therapy
Our family has been very open about the fact I go to therapy. This usually occurs while the kids are at school, which unfortunately has been out of sight out of mind for them. We have also told Edmund he can be open about the fact he goes to therapy for anxiety too if he wishes. At this time he is, which is why I mention it here. However, he knows he doesn't have to relay what he talks about unless he wants to. When we talk to his therapist together about the week's tough times I often throw myself under the bus for him because I know it's hard to do while I'm sitting there. I want him to be aware that I know there are many times I screw up as his mom. But I'm also willing to work on them for him.
This year, because Edmund and I have done our therapy sessions through Telehealth, it has definitely been more visible to my girls. Evelyn asked on two different occasions if she'll need to "go to the special doctor." Both Steven and I said "most likely yes, as you have inherited some anxious tendencies. It is very beneficial to have an outside person to give you strategies." We let her know she can tell us when she gets to the point she needs to talk to someone who isn't family. I want talking about mental health resources to be as easy as talking about the weather. I'm glad this year has given me an opportunity to be more open about it with my kids.
After getting very down in January, Steven suggested we finish the last season of the "The Good Place" as a bit of an escape. It had been a very long time since we’d watched TV together (about a year since watching the first 3 seasons) and this got us back into it. One day after finishing that show I was listening to "Ask Me Another" with Ken Jeong on a much needed bike ride to blow off steam. My friend posted later that day that it was a great episode. I responded in agreement. I think she was drawn to the episode because of the actors on that day from "Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist." I was drawn to the episode initially because Ken Jeong is one of the “famous” people my husband’s med school can claim. I knew KJ would be spouting out info on my hometown, which to be honest I was desperately missing. And of course I heard it because I can't tell you the last time I missed an episode of "Ask Me Another." I usually have no clue who the guests are, but love it nonetheless.
When I commented on my friend's post she reached out knowing I love musical theater and said Zoey's is worth watching, even if sometimes it's a bit awkward. Sometimes I stick suggestions in my back pocket not know when I'll get to them. But I had nothing in my line-up after finishing "The Good Place" the night before, so "Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist" it was.Steven helped me find it and we purchased the first season. Second season is streaming. I’ve never binged a show so fast. Steven almost couldn’t keep up, but he did, for me.
The way ZEP deals with grief was cathartic in a way I didn’t expect after losing my uncle 4 years ago. He was the person I shared my love of the arts with. He and I could sit and people watch together for hours when I visited him in NYC. He was a darn good playwright and actor. Fun tidbit. My uncle's name is forever linked with Edward Norton on the great Google. One of Edward Norton's first roles was in one of my uncle's plays. My uncle was the person I shared my love of the arts with, the person I shared some of my deepest thoughts with, and even 4 years later, though the pain has lessened, I still grieve not being able to connect that deeply with someone.
Season 1 episode 4 of ZEP with Mo spoke to me greatly as I’ve been facing a struggle with leaving the faith tradition I grew up in. Coincidentally or not, this journey took off as my uncle was facing death. While I'd always struggled with the tradition, I no longer could sit in a place that would not allow anyone other than straight white men to step up as leaders. To be honest this is really a 30 year journey. I haven't felt at home in this tradition since facing bullying first at the age of 11 in what was supposed to be a safe space. I've learned through therapy authenticity is my number one value. Unfortunately, the faith tradition I was once part of claims to value authenticity, but often only if that authenticity fits into a pre-conceived notion of what is true and good. If I don't feel comfortable being authentic in those spaces, which I find to be the case more often than not, I can't be part of them. With the help of good friends, and the support of my parents which includes my retired pastor father, I'm finding places of faith that do value the true self and am moving towards those.
A podcast that has been extremely helpful on this topic for me has been "The Mourner's Bench." I highly recommend. A former student's mom is one of the regulars, along with a current and former black pastor. The mom of of my student was the first openly gay women ordained in the Presbyterian Church of the USA. The podcast doesn't shy away from race, politics, or homosexuality. It has felt like such a safe space this year. At the same time it has been nice to reconnect with a former friend through her podcast. I will say at this time my faith journey is a very personal one, so I'm leaving it at that for now. However, having art reflect life in both auditory and visual mediums I've found to be beautifully healing this year.
While most of the titles of shows above are all fairly mainstream, so many friends have been sharing their own art on social media platforms (singing songs, YouTube shows, film essays, piano pieces, paintings, musical compositions, podcasts, etc.) These shared pieces of art from the heart mean so much to me. Art doesn't have to be commercial to speak to or move someone. At no other time in history has it been easier to share one's art expression with others. It's been a joy to see my friends get back to some of their first loves during this pandemic or even find a new artistic love. Because the art means something to them I feel honored they put it out in the world for me and others to experience. I know this has gotten a bit rambly, so time to put the brakes on. One day soon, I hope I can get my thoughts on mental health and the arts together for someone who might need it. Until then, I hope there may be something here that speaks to someone, even if it's simply trying one of the tv shows, podcasts, books or movies mentioned above to lose, or find yourself in, for awhile.
