https://www.tate.org.uk/art/artists/alexander-calder-848
It has been a little over 3 years since I last posted here. 3 kids will do that to ya. I still love to write, but my time to do so is limited. Writing mini vignettes on Facebook is about all I have time for these days, despite it not being my favorite venue for sharing much of anything. However, this weekend's events are such that I want them recorded. I know me, and I know this is going to be a long one. If I attempt to post the following on Facebook, the majority of my friends are going to spout "zzzzzs" before they get to the last sentence. This writing is mainly to preserve memories for me and my family. I know there might be snippets in my writing that light a spark in others, so I am happy to share a small snapshot of what occurs in our family's lives. I appreciate so much when others do the same for me through their writing.
We are far from the perfect family. In fact I looked at the last post on this blog, and it spews our imperfection in all its glory. I want to keep life real here the best I can. I know things I believe today may evolve and change over time. If there's one thing I never want to quit doing in life, it's learning and understanding. Ask my husband. He'll tell you I fall asleep to a variety of science and history podcasts because I find them soothing. Go figure. This post is a snapshot of where I currently am in my life's journey. There is a lot I want to pack in here, so be prepared for some stream of consciousness writing. I don't know when I might have another chance to sit down and write with this amount of depth, so this piece may not tie up neatly with a bow. With those caveats aside, feel free to read at your own risk :)
The past month has brought about many accomplishments for Edmund. He received a letter from the governor for outstanding achievement on all parts of last year's FSAs (Florida Standards Assessments). I'd really like to say I don't put much stock in standardized tests, but I sheepishly admit I got a bit excited when my son got a letter. He won 1st place in his first tennis tournament of the fall. And he received a part in the school play. I can say without a doubt, I am beyond proud of him. With these achievements, however, comes "great responsibility". Uncle Ben certainly got that right. I'm trying to teach that these achievements must come with a degree of humility and a recognition of privilege. That doesn't mean he, or the rest of our family, shouldn't be proud of his hard work. However, I do believe accomplishment should always come with reflection. Never before has an opportunity to teach these values to my children fallen so neatly into my lap.
Edmund's science teacher sent out her weekly update late last week. She mentioned the class had been focusing on several new science terms. Two terms they have been exploring recently are balanced and unbalanced force. The teacher gently encouraged parents and children to do some research on the artist Alexander Calder together over the weekend. The students could then make a mobile to better understand the two types of force using what they had discovered. As I have a bit of knowledge of Calder, Steven immediately threw this task to me. He knew I was happy to oblige as it meant I got a break from taming the wild 2 year old for a few minutes.
On Saturday evening I quickly Googled Calder's work to show Edmund a few of his pieces. I knew we'd have to put the majority of research and project off until the next day, but wanted him to see who we'd be learning about. When I pulled up a picture of Calder, Edmund asked if there were only famous men artists. That led to another Google search of "most famous artists". I realized anything Google decided to spit out was for the most part subjective. But sure enough, the first few lists were male only. Frida Kahlo and Georgia O'Keefe showed up in some of the lower search term results, but in a search that encompassed both male and female artists, those were the only two women I spotted on the page 1 results.
Both Imogen and Evelyn were present as I did these searches. Not only did I want to make sure I presented a good response for Edmund, but I wanted to make sure my girls heard a response that acknowledged their reality as females. Evelyn had a shirt from Target that she wore until it was so tattered I couldn't send her out in it anymore. It showed a chemistry set on the front and listed Marie Curie's achievements on the back. I love how much she loved this shirt, and hoped any answer I gave acknowledged just how important women are in the narrative of history, as the shirt aimed to do.
This came up on my News Stories today. I find it fitting.
https://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-45655151
I must admit I was caught a bit off guard by Edmund's question, but did the best with the limited time I had to form an answer. I explained to Edmund that just because females don't come up often in searches, does not mean women aren't as good artists as men (or anything else for that matter). This simply reflects attitudes toward women throughout history. Women simply weren't given the opportunity to create when people such as Michaelangelo and da Vinci were alive. In more recent times it still harder for women to break into the art world. There's no denying it is getting easier, but it is still an uphill climb. I then looked at my girls and made sure they understood that just because it may be a bit harder for a woman to make it in certain fields doesn't mean a woman, or people in other historically marginalized groups, shouldn't keep fighting for a place in those fields. This is about as far as the discussion got on Saturday night, but Sunday presented more time for us all to dig deeper.
Sunday was tennis tournament day. I promised Steven I would get up and be raring to go at the crack of down. Those who know me, probably know that didn't happen. I try! I really do! But mornings are not my thing. This is where I praise my husband. He has always been the one to get up with the kids on days he doesn't have to leave early. He knows it makes for a much happier "everyone" when I get those few extra minutes of sleep. I still feel guilty about my need for extra sleep, as I feel mornings are what moms are supposed to do. However, I'm trying to get over that guilt because I know my kids get to see a balance that benefits our family. Steven took Edmund to the tournament. I followed about an hour later with the girls.
Imogen did her own thing as we drove, while Evelyn found herself engrossed in the music we were listening to; Hamilton's "Wait for It." Totally off topic, but I made it a goal to memorize the whole soundtrack this year. I have been memorizing soundtracks since dancing to a record of Mary Poppins at the age of 4, but Hamilton is a huge undertaking. And yes I claim my quirkiness. I can almost spit out all the words in time to "Guns and Ships". I know all the words, but 17 words in 3 seconds in tough. More power to those of you who can do it, and those who perform it one or two times a day for an audience. This soundtrack has rotated in and out of the kids' music requests for the past 3 years. This musical has sparked discussion with the kids about musical genres, history, flawed people (includes us all), our family values, and on and on. Some of our best discussions have come from this musical and there are still things to talk about 3 years after the first note played in our manatee van Keeping it real here. As much as I relish discussion, there are more days than not I simply want to zone out. This leads to hollering, "guys can I please get through this song without someone talking to me." So there you go.
At the beginning of the drive, Evelyn and I began a musical discussion about how the lyrics and the music work together in "Wait for It." I asked her to let me know the first time she recognized the interconnection. She found it and got so excited. There's a place in the music where the music completely drops out. Then the whole chorus comes back in and there is an awesome swell of a chord as the words "wait for it" are sung. I could listen to this part over and over. Truly genius. There are a few other subtle places where this happens and we talked about this too, even the part at the end that still trips me up.
This discussion then turned into a discussion about Lin Manuel Miranda. Evelyn wanted to know if he was a "boy or girl." This sparked a talk about men and women composers. Again we don't see or hear too much about female composers. "Does that mean that women aren't as good at writing music?" I asked Evelyn. "No," she replied. We talked a lot about how she might have to work harder to get where she wants in some professions. She did point out certain professions in which she's never seen a woman. I went on to say that doesn't mean she shouldn't try if one of those are something she'd like a career in. Having an understanding of the difficulty, but working hard at something, can make the achievement that much greater. At the moment Evelyn is still a firecracker, and I pray she keeps that spark. Yes, even if it makes my job as her mom that much harder.
We arrived at the tournament and made our presence known. And what a presence it is when my two girls show up. Evelyn wandered off and became the typical 6 year old she is, asking (whining) for a banana staring her in the face on the welcome table, and collecting random rocks from the park. Our car discussion hopefully simmering in her brain. As a family, we watched Edmund play for awhile. Evelyn had the opportunity to watch a talented 7 year old girl play a match. For the most part this tournament comprised kids of similar age and skill. Most of the kids were within 6 months of age of each other. This little girl was definitely the youngest by a couple of years. She may not have won her sets, but she certainly did a great job of keeping up with the bigger kids. It was inspiring for Evelyn to see the girl's determination as it related to our prior discussion.
This is where I get a bit off topic, but it is one of my favorite stories from this weekend. Since Edmund was 2 he has had a bit of trouble recognizing faces. He knows his best friends of course, and after a good amount of time learns to put names with faces of kids and adults at his activities. We're working on it. He has thankfully moved beyond identifying people by the color of their shirts. That wasn't working out too well for him.
Edmund has played one of the boys he played on Sunday in at least one other, maybe two other tournaments. Not only that, N, has taken lessons on the same day as Edmund with another pro at our neighborhood tennis center for about a year. Beyond that, the boys participated in at least 3 tennis camps together this summer at that same tennis center. After Edmund and N completed their sets, they attempted to figure out where they knew each other from. N asked, "did you wear blue sunglasses and a blue hat?" Yes!" Edmund exclaimed. Eventually, the boys came to me with their "it's such a small world" discovery. "We went to the USTA camp together this summer," they both squealed. I looked at them and said, "boys, you know you've played next to each other on our courts almost all year." Neither one remembered. At least now they'll know to say "hi" when they see each other at our home courts in the future. To be fair, N doesn't live close to our neighborhood, and as such, goes to a different school. Glad to know my son isn't the only one that doesn't always pay attention.
Edmund played his next set against a boy he played in a tournament before he stopped for the summer. This is one situation where not recognizing faces actually came in handy for him. I immediately recognized this boy as the skilled tennis player that blew Edmund out of the water when Edmund moved up in level last spring. Edmund begged to go back down after that, but we told him he could take a break, keep practicing, try again when ready, and most of all, just enjoy the sport. I'm glad not remembering kept Edmund from working himself up. I sat back and cheered both kids on. Edmund won in a tie breaker. The other boy left the court crying, which broke my heart. I knew the feeling all too well, as we were in the same position a few months ago. Edmund went over to praise the other boy's game and was quick to call out his good shots throughout their matches. The kids had such great rallies that sometimes we parents couldn't remember who scored the point. We'd exclaim "they just aren't missing." Many of the balls weren't easy returns on either side. Both boys had a lot to be proud of. It was simply a pleasure to witness.
I am still learning tennis. I've taken a few lessons and attended a few clinics, but still don't recognize best technique. I like it that way because it lets me simply enjoy watching the sport and Edmund's love of the game. The parents of the second boy both played tennis in college. They came to me afterward and let me know they saw amazing improvement in Edmund from the previous tournament. We agreed navigating losing is difficult, but that the best we could do is help our kids learn to win and lose with grace. It also means they will inspire each other to keep up the hard work. Edmund could very well be on the losing end next tournament, and he will need to learn how to handle losses as well as he handles wins. I know that not all tournaments are the same, but we've been fortunate in that the parents and kids we've encountered at these tournaments for the most part do a great job of lifting each other up. I know it won't always be that way, but I am glad these kids are getting that foundation.
After the tournament, Edmund and I drove back home, just the two of us. We have a lot of deep discussions in the car. He sits in the way back. I actually love that we can talk without seeing each other. In some situations this is not my first choice of communication. However, with no view of facial expression comes a neutrality that allows us to open up to one another. We got back on the topic of privilege. I don't want him to feel guilty for the opportunities he has because of the family he was born into. However, I want him to be very aware of the privilege that comes with it. At the moment he wants to be a film director (I do realize that could change next week). We talked about how people of color, women, and other marginalized groups are underrepresented in that industry. I told him that should he make it in the directing world, or in any other career he so chooses, he has the opportunity to make change.
He said his favorite authors are females, so he didn't really get what the big deal was. I explained that although that is his experience, that doesn't mean female authors are published at the same rate as male authors. That JK Rowling used her initials because her publishers were afraid young boys might not read a book written by a woman. That wasn't that long ago. I explained that you can't make change if you are oblivious to what is happening in the world around you or simply turn a blind eye. I want him to know that, yes, merit and hard work matter. However, some people simply can't work their way out of situations due to archaic systems that still exist. Being in a higher position can give him opportunity to seek those people out and give them opportunity they otherwise may never be afforded.
Yeah I know he's 10, but these conversations have to start young. We talked about how it sucks, yes sucks!, that it has been this way for so long. There is nothing about him or our family that makes us inherently better than the people on the other side of the fence. Ultimately, it is the way each of us uses our privilege that matters. I let him know that I still don't get it right most of the time. I'm trying my best to listen to those who are talking now and those who spoke up before them. I also reminded him that it is our job to listen first and foremost when someone is relaying an experience we haven't had. Attempting to put ourselves in another's shoes is always a good place to start. Edmund broke the air with a joke, and we moved on. But this is a topic I'm sure we'll find our way to again soon enough.
This weekend reminded me I can't force these topics on my kids. I still have a responsibility to make sure they are talked about and weave them in when the kids open the door for discussion. Evelyn checked out books about cheetahs, manatees, and a circus cat from the library a few weeks ago. I threw in a book about civil rights, which I was excited to share with her. She pushed it off and said she knew what it was about. Not completely the case little one, as even I have much learning to do on the subject. She and I need to keep talking, and we will. After getting a reminder the book was due back with no renewals left, I put it in the car to return. Edmund picked it up and read it when we headed to lunch after the tournament. I made the off-handed comment that at least someone read it after 6 weeks in our home. But in truth we got in more discussion about the topic this weekend than we probably would have gotten from a book anyway. And all because her brother asked why there don't seem to be any women artists. Evelyn wants to know more. And I intend to keep learning with her.
As a teacher I feel the above should be instinctual, but it never hurts to be reminded. One of the most beautiful moments that has occurred since I went back to teaching happened naturally. I could never have planned a moment like it. At the end of my music lessons I sing a lullaby, in the hopes that I send calm kids back to their teachers. I have been choosing songs I hope the children have heard, so they can sing along. I encourage them to breathe and focus, as the previous song is normally an active one. Then I invite them to lie or sit down in a comfortable place. The first time I sing it's usually just my voice. The second time through the children work up the confidence to sing with me. A couple of weeks ago one little girl pointed out that she could spread her arms and legs out to be a star with 5 points (her head was the 5th point). All the kids did this as I acknowledged her idea. The children began singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" with me. A bunch of star shaped bodies scattered throughout the room. I stopped singing and the kids continued. Fourteen 3 year olds sung the most angelic rendition of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" I've ever heard. If I had rushed us along because the next group was coming, this beautiful moment never would have occurred. And even still, there are many times I rush ahead. I still need the reminder to slow down every day.
My children have been beyond blessed to have teachers that notice them and their interests. A happenstance run in with Edmund's teacher at our pizza place last year led to a film project in his class. The kids in Edmund's classes have interests that they excitedly share with each other, and in turn spark further learning and exploration in each other. Of course there is some day to day rote learning that can't be escaped. However, I have been impressed and proud of how my kids' teachers allow the students to guide as much learning as possible. Not only that, but Edmund has had this experience in two very different school districts in two states.
Edmund and his friends were chatting after school one day last week, when one of the boys noted "Ms. B and Ms. H are teachers you don't see every day." By this he meant their teachers are extremely innovative. Edmund replied, "we actually do see them every day." They all cracked up at this. But how wonderful is it that these boys do get to experience teachers "one doesn't see every day." I know my kids are fortunate to have these early experiences, and hope I do my part in helping them recognize this.
This has all been a reminder that I can't force learning on my kids or myself. I need to look for those opportunities that open doors to get discussion going. If the first time doesn't work, I try again. My mom took my sister and I to hear Sandra Day O'Connor speak when I was 7. I look peeved in the picture we took with her. I know this because my mom sent the photo to Justice O'Connor and she sent it back signed with a personalized message. That photo has since sat in a predominant place in every house my parents have lived in over the past 30 years. I was peeved because my mom took me out of camp on potholder making day. The nerve! :) I wish I could go back and tell my 7 year old self what a an amazing opportunity my mom presented me with. I doubt there's any chance I'd still have a potholder, but I definitely still have that picture and memory. I also have the photo to start a discussion with my own kids.
Believe me, my kids have blown me off more times than I can count. But they know the door is always open to come back to a topic. We leave each "heavy" conversation with that reminder. The Calder inspired mobile eventually got made. Edmund and I balanced and unbalanced it. And the kids and I came away from this weekend with knowledge of balanced and unbalanced forces. It simply wasn't in the way we originally set out to do so.
